Concrit for Masu_Trout

[masu_trout]

I want to receive feedback by: Comment on my post in this community.

Here are the works I want feedback on:

https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masu_Trout/works

I am interested on concrit for anything published within the past year.

My works' fandoms and content notes are:

A variety of fandoms, mostly video games - in particular there's a lot of Deus Ex and Vampyr there. All potential content warnings should be tagged on AO3, I believe.

I have these questions for readers:

1.) Is the description in my works natural-feeling? I always wonder how it sounds, especially in terms of whether there's enough physical description to make the characters feel like they're in a real space as opposed to a featureless void. (Or, on the other hand, whether the description drags on in places, or gets too into a character's thoughts and makes things feel boring.)

2.) Are the interactions between characters natural-sounding, and is there places where they might seem odd or boring, or fail to keep your interest? Do their interactions convey the kind of emotions I'm trying to get across?

3.) If the readers are familiar with my fandoms, I'd love notes on IC-ness.

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: I am most interested in (1), the direct feedback, but am also fine with in-the-middle levels of directness.

Comments

Review for XIV

[a_friendly_irin]

Ooh, actual drabbles, nice.

[Of all the nobodies they'd collected so far]

You capitalize "Nobody" elsewhere, but not here.

I love everything Organization XII, but I actually feel the drabble format works against it here -- there are just too many characters and too much going on between them, so each scene feels incomplete and leaves me feeling there should be more. I think the only ones that feel truly complete are the Roxas/Xion and Xemnas/Saix ones, and that's probably because those are the characters we know the most of from canon already. So much of the Organization's characterization is fanon, so it always feels necessary to spend some time on establishing them in fanfic -- which is unfortunately counterintuitive to the point of fanfic, but it is what it is. Double drabbles might have given them more space to breathe, maybe?

Like... [Their powers all had off days—Xemnas had explained why once, not that he'd bothered to listen—and they all dealt with it differently. Demyx, for one, cherished the excuse for a day off. Zexion and Saïx tended to act grumpier than usual, Axel even more obnoxious… ] is intriguing, but not something we see in canon, so I'm left hungry for more details. What exactly does this look like and why? Why does it manifest differently for each one? Then for the others -- why exactly does Vexen find Axel particularly insufferable, when they don't seem to have any particular animosity in Chain of Memories? You say Lexaeus finds Marluxia a good sparring partner, which, fair, but why is he so invested in fighting and strength in the first place? The Organization always leaves me with questions.

I do like how emotional they are about not having emotions. That was always the funniest part of the Organization to me, how self-evident it was that they weren't really what they believed they were. [Zexion grit his teeth against the phantom of remembered irritation.] is particularly perfect -- "I can't possibly be feeling angry, no, this is, uh, something else, and my reflexive autonomic response to it is a total coincidence."

Concrit on What the Devil knows

[(Anonymous)]

Here’s my concrit for What the Devil knows (https://archiveofourown.org/works/23136268)

I really enjoyed reading this story. Sadly, I can’t comment on the fandom aspects as I am not familiar with it but I was certainly able to read the story as if it were an original work, and I think you can get most of the points by using general vampire lore. I did glance at the scenes between Reid and McCullum on YouTube.

Is the description in my works natural-feeling? I always wonder how it sounds, especially in terms of whether there's enough physical description to make the characters feel like they're in a real space as opposed to a featureless void. (Or, on the other hand, whether the description drags on in places, or gets too into a character's thoughts and makes things feel boring.)

Your description of the scene is very good. I did get a strong sense of the house, at least of its feel, and I wonder any more nuanced description of the place would unbalance the work, given that it is firstly action, and then the relationship/sex between Geoffrey and Reid.

However, pretty much all the description is by sight, sound and some touch and there is very little smell or taste. The only bits I remember were in the first paragraph (very good): the room smelled faintly of death and rotten meat and in the bedroom scene: the air in the room was stale. There isn’t a lot of room in the action, but when Geoffrey is kissing Reid I would like to know what Ekon vampyres taste/smell like. Rotting, nothing, uses mouthwash? Something that Geoffrey will react to. Is there anything other than the cold that feels different about vampire skin? Geoffrey might be relieved that it feels normal, or maybe it doesn’t. Or does he already know? This seems to be an interaction where a just a little bit more sensory information will add a lot to grounding the story in Geoffrey’s reality while keeping the focus on the experience (sex).

Are the interactions between characters natural-sounding, and is there places where they might seem odd or boring, or fail to keep your interest? Do their interactions convey the kind of emotions I'm trying to get across?

I like the characters and their interactions. This is a fairly short woek, and if there was a longer story more reference to the social situation might add to the ambience – the class relations, what Geoffrey did in the war vs what Reid did – but as it is there is enough to understand the emotions and situation.

If the readers are familiar with my fandoms, I'd love notes on IC-ness.

I looked at the YouTube scenes of Geoffrey and Reid interacting. There is not a lot to go on there, but as far as I can tell they seem in character.

I notice that most of the time, Geoffrey McCullum is “Geoffrey” in the narration, which is in his POV so comes across as his reference for himself. However, every so often you’ll throw in a “McCullum”, such as here: But—it was Reid. If he'd wanted McCullum dead, he could've killed him a dozen times over before tonight. That throws me out of Geoffrey’s POV – I’ve got used to Geoffrey as the reference and wonder who McCullum is for a moment. It’s fine when Reid calls McCullum “McCullum” as that is what Reid consistently calls him. If you are just varying the reference for Geoffrey I think it is unnecessary and disruptive.

There are just a few lines I would question:
paler lines that must have been on his body since before he turned - the “since” is unnecessary and disrupts the temporal relationship;
it was all Geoffrey could do not to clutch at him like some overexcited newlywed. - I’m not entirely convinced by “newlywed”. It introduces concepts like coyness, virginity and dainty lace nighties which don’t really belong here.
There was no other vampire he would have let within a hand's-breadth of his neck without flinching, and no human at all he would've let strip his clothes from his body, - more emphatic without the “other” and “without flinching”, and the second part is clumsy, and maybe something like “he would let no human at all strip the clothes from his body”?
You stomp around with your blade in head - blade in hand

Overall, the story is good but with a few details I think could be better. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to review this story. If you have any comments to make on my concrit, I would welcome them.

Re: Concrit on What the Devil knows

[imperial_dragon]

Whoops - I was logged out when I added my concrit.

Imperial_Dragon is your critter.

Review to Castling on the Kingside

[the_reeds_of_enki]

So, I posted this to your A03 when I realized just now I should have posted it here. Very sorry about that! Might come off as redundant, but I'll post it here, too:

Hello! This is Reeds, from the Concrit Swap Exchange. I use brackets to separate text I’m referencing from stuff I’m saying about it, just fyi.

[It feels like a beginning. Like watching green shoots sprout from irradiated ground. It’s—]

I like the simile here. I also like how you used an em dash to indicate an abrupt shift— like losing one’s balance!

[He stays there a moment, even after the worst of the exhaustion has passed: forehead pressed against the cool stone, blood pounding in his ears to match the beat of his heart.]

I like the detail in this fic a lot, but I feel as though the last bit, specifically ‘to match the beat of his heart’ was gratuitous or redundant. Blood pumps naturally to the beat of the heart, and unless it’s to indicate something symbolic, like if he were jumped by Nate, perhaps, I’d cut it.

[He stays there a moment, even after the worst of the exhaustion has passed: forehead pressed against the cool stone, blood pounding in his ears to match the beat of his heart. It's almost quiet here. Just loud enough for him to know he's safe, that there's someone else out there watching the walls. Set the mutfruit sack down to serve as a pillow, tilt his hat over his brow, and he's pretty sure he could fall asleep like this.]

I enjoyed the flow of going from a state of alarm to peace. I especially like his talk about how he’s glad there are people there; it says a lot about the character. Clearly, he’s been through a lot, but he’s not so jaded that the sound of human life is one of consternation.

[That's the problem, really. His body is desperate for a moment's rest, but even a moment is more than he can afford. He still needs to finish bringing the last of the supplies indoors, get their newest recruits into some halfway presentable uniforms, ask around to see if any of their new settlers have experience as a tailor, organize a new patrol schedule to keep the mirelurks and the raiders from getting too bold, set up a group to test which of the soil around here might be healthiest for starting crops…]

I also liked how you listed what that needed to be done, capped off with an ellipses to indicate that it’s not the end of the long list of chores. Much more satisfying than if you were to just say ‘He had a lot of stuff to do, and not much time’ or something, lol. It’s also a really great insight as to the daily going-ons of the Castle’s inhabitants, which is perhaps its best virtue.

[Chemical recreation is the polite term, as far as he's heard. Shit-tons of chems is the less-polite one.]

I’d cut this off after [is the polite term]. Saying ‘as far as he’s heard’ only serves to distance himself from his own comment, when there’s no real reason to. I’d assume he’s been there long enough to pick up on the lingo, so there’d be no need to give an internal disclaimer if it’s not being used correctly. Moreso, the reqder would have no reason to suspect it wouldn’t be the polite term. Saying ‘shit-tons of chems is the less-polite one’ also detracts from the statement, I find, as when someone’s deliberately framing something as polite, it’s understood to be worse than the euphemism. If you wanted to keep it for comedic value, I’d change the phrase ‘less-polite’ as it comes off as clunky. Describe things by what they’re like, not by what they’re not.

[He's not about to turn to Mentats. Or Psycho, or Buffout, or any other thing Hancock could offer him. But maybe just a moment longer here, a chance to rest in the shelter of the Castle, wouldn't be so bad.]

This says a lot about Nate. He’s clearly a workaholic if he’s comparing a well-deserved break to taking drugs.

I liked the intro to Nate. It’s where the meat of the matter really comes into play, this being about their romance, presumably, and it shows off their relationship nicely! They’re on first name basis, or at least Nate is trying for them to be, which shows at least some kind of interest on his part, and his physical descriptions introduce him as someone Preston has taken notice of. The last line, [The only people with that kind of walked-out-of-a-pre-war-catalogue look are fresh synths and Institute spies... and, apparently, people who literally walked out of the pre-war era thanks to spending a whole lot of time frozen.], served to cap it off with an info dump nicely balanced with humor.

[There's a lot I want to do now that we have the Castle to call ours.”] This came off as slightly awkward. I think you’d be best served by cutting it off after ‘Castle’. After we have the castle and after we have the Castle to call ours means pretty much the same thing, but adding ‘ours’ to it creates a deeper emphasis on the people currently in the conversation, which could be your intention. It just comes off as a little off, seeing as Preston made a point about how many other people belonged to it.

[Shame he doesn't have the strength to run; right now, throwing himself out the nearest window feels like a fantastic option.] I liked this line! It’s funny, and it shows how Nate gets under his skin in a good way.

[if something goes wrong at the Castle and he isn't around to catch it...

He can't add another nightmare to ones he already has. He can’t.]

Ah, the source of his workaholicism. He’s distracting himself from post-traumatic stress.

[And then he plucks his own tricorn hat—the General's uniform itself, elegant even with all the dirt and dust and blood it's seen—off of his head and slaps it down on Preston's instead, right on top of the hat he's already wearing.]

This reads awkwardly. Is the hat the entire uniform? The way it’s broken up makes it hard to follow, I feel. I’d cut it into two or three sentences instead.

["I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, this is not your general speaking. This is the man you lost fifteen hands of poker in a row to three weeks ago.”] Another good line for relationship building! I like how it’s not about some mushy thing they’ve been together through, he’s rubbing in how he’s lost a bunch of games to, which would have been in an informal setting.

[There's no one else PReston would want here.] Typo in PReston.

After the line break, I thought things would be going a little too quickly, but I think Preston’s justification made it a good more breathable. They live in dangerous times. Waiting, doing nothing, is dangerous too.

The romance sequence was nicely done. Sensual, but not gratuitous. I like how this line broke things up a bit, prevented it from being bogged down in purple romance prose: [Like a real cowboy, he thinks, remembering the faded old pre-war serials he's read, and he can't help but laugh into the kiss.] Comedy is quite a versatile tool!

Part of me almost wanted something to be done with the word minute at the end, when you were talking about time, but that would probably cheapen the passage. The last line was a solid place to end it. It covers the themes of insecurity Preston has about the future and his romance arc with Nate at the same time.

Maybe some sleep-deprived decisions turn out well after all! Happy for ‘em. Anywho, that’s the review. Lemme know if you have any questions, comments, or concerns. I haven’t played the Fallout games, but my wife has, so I know a liiiiitle bit about it, but if I mixed something up in my criticism, don’t be shy to let me hear about it. Honestly, I would have really enjoyed this as a longer story, but I can understand if you’d want to keep it as a one-shot. Knowing the characters better beforehand would probably help, too, so take that with a hefty grain of salt.