concrit for Slyboots/tachocracy

[tachocracy]

I want to receive feedback by : Email (slybootsslick@gmail.com) or comments on this post.

Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...):
https://archiveofourown.org/works/28496961 (Transformers Prime, 8k)
https://archiveofourown.org/works/29414688 (Transformers Prime, <1k)
https://archiveofourown.org/works/29882895/chapters/73538595 (Transformers IDW/Prime fusion, WIP, ~9k at this time)
https://archiveofourown.org/works/24550762 (Transformers Prime, 3k)

My works' fandoms and content notes are: Transformers Prime, character death, graphic violence

I have these questions for readers: How strong is the description/narrative voice? How distinct are the characters from each other (and if you're familiar with the fandom, how far off are the characters from their canon selves)? How's the pacing? What threw you off? Is the prose samey?

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: I'm interested in any feedback at all, good and bad. Please be gentle (without sugarcoating). I would rather not get SPAG critique.

Comments to this post will be: Unscreened.

Comments

[farla]

For Amputare.

I'm familiar with a different branch of canon and only know spots of this one, so I can't speak to how in-character they are, but I found the cast to all to have their own clear voice and distinct perspective. And I like dystopic settings where the plot has people trying to actually do things about their horrible society.

I found the doctor/mechanic stuff really interesting and well thought out, but I wasn't clear on the permanency of things.

For example:
Her vocoder had rusted in her chest. Infection. A well-known side effect of sloppy face-scraping, so common it had a sardonic name ( icepick’s mutism ). Someone had extracted it roughly—her breastplate had crumpled under the force, the fault-lines white and painful-looking—and welded the wound.

Are there some parts that are just permanently wrecked by enough damage, or is it that it's too expensive/requires a very talented surgeon to put in properly and so it's out of reach for any of them? Are there rules against replacing any parts for empuratees, or just rules against undoing the intentional parts of the sentence, or is taking the hands/faces picked in part because you can't get good replacements? Broadly, is it that they can't get access to help, or are there rules in place that you're not supposed to help in certain ways or you'll be next? (Similarly, it's very intriguing that Breakdown is trying to build hands, but I'm not sure exactly where that lies - near impossible to succeed at, or very illegal?)

By night he rolled his fuel line between shaking fingers, inserting a needle. The medication spread like wildfire through him, and he suppressed a shaky gasp.
Solar cycles blended together. Each shot was easier. The infection burned out, staining his hydraulic fluid rust-red. Breakdown drained his own oil into the gutters, easing the last drops out with his fingers.

I'm also not quite clear on the mechanisms here. The connection between rust and infection I can see in the sense of getting exposed to air and crumbling to expose more metal to rust, but this seems to be functioning pretty biologically - are there microbes or fungi that are messing up fuel lines, or is the planet sterile and this is some sort of runaway chemical reaction? Or is the medication something to re-coat problem areas?

It also seems really weird he'd need a needle - it sounds like he's jamming a hole into the line, rather than having a built-in port like I'd expect or putting it in however else he's getting the fuel itself in.

In terms of pacing, I think it's pretty good. I found the time jumps slightly confusing to keep track of, but I think that's down to it always being harder to keep track of things when you're not as familiar with the canon.

[plutonianshores]

ETA: I forgot to tell you which fic I was reviewing! Facepalm... I read Crash Site.

Overall I like June’s voice/the narrative voice. I’m not familiar with canon, but she sounds very much like a nurse and a mother, and you’ve avoided falling into the common fanfic trap of writing adult characters sounding younger than they should. I loved her describing the characters as she would in medical notes. I also loved your use of sentence fragments and cut-off sentences in June’s thoughts. There are, however, a few places where the narrative starts to sound a little strange and overly formal. Examples: “Surely it was a rock song, though the cadence stuttered and an atonal beep served where vocals should’ve been.”, [the ‘surely’ and the ‘served’ don’t strike me as fitting the rest of June’s narration] and the urban legend section midway through [‘it was still said’, ‘of late’.] I’m not sure I’m explaining this well, so please feel free to ask questions if what I’m trying to get at doesn’t make sense!

You’ve also done a great job with the slow reveal of just how odd Blake and Nakao are. (I don’t know canon, and I’m not sure which one is Breakdown and which one is Knock-Out, so I’ll just be using their aliases here.) I loved the dramatic irony of June and the other townspeople knowing they’re weird but not knowing what we know, exactly what they are. I also loved the banter between the two, and Blake’s frustration with human norms. I love the way you show their mindset towards cars, especially with this line: “He spoke as if the distinction between owner and car was an unfortunate technicality.” and the way you describe how odd their voices sound to human ears. (Such vivid descriptions! I loved them.)

I really enjoyed this fic! I wish I had a bit more meaty criticism to get into, hopefully what I said was helpful anyway! And please feel free to start up a conversation in the comments if there’s anything else you’d like to talk about.

[(Anonymous)]

Hello! I read Molten Copper, your TF Knock Out/Breakdown story, and I liked it a lot - it is a beautiful and moving story of love, loss and grief. (For reference, I've watched several TF films but am unfamiliar with these characters specifically.)

In response to your questions:

How strong is the description/narrative voice?
Very strong - it's vivid and emotive and I'm actually curious if I'd be able to pick something you wrote (of similar tone and content) out of an anonymous lineup.

How distinct are the characters from each other (and if you're familiar with the fandom, how far off are the characters from their canon selves)?
I can't speak to characterization, but I think each character occupies a distinct emotional space in the story - Breakdown is the lover and later a constantly felt absence, Ratchet is Knock Out's boss, Arcee is a friend, Bulkhead seems to be familiar with both Knock Out and Breakdown, and the latter three are also emotional support at various points.

How's the pacing?
I think it's unusual but very effective. This story seems to cover a large span of time during which a lot of things happen, including an entire war going on in the background, but the focus of each (quite short) scene is Knock Out and Breakdown's (or just Knock Out's, post-war) current state of life. There are one or two sharp details that ground the scene (Occasionally they come into ill-gotten Shanix. They spend it.) At every point I have a clear emotional picture, and I never felt like anything was dragging or that I was missing anything.

I found this line - For the next quartex Ratchet keeps him too busy to think. - particularly effective at skipping over x amount (Wiki says a month?) of time. (For comparison, I might be thrown by such a line in a slower piece but I think it really worked in this one.)

What threw you off?
I'm not very familiar with hardware and TF terminology so I had to look several things up to make sure my visuals/associations are right, but that's definitely on me and I expect your usual readership will be totally fine.

Is the prose samey?
A little, but I think it works well - it felt like a strong and consistent narrative voice, not repetitive. I think there's a clear difference in tone between pre-war + during-war (love in a time of hardship) and post-war (grief).



Some other notes I took:

I felt that the emotional focal point of the story is how much Knock Out loves and later misses Breakdown, and in the post-war second half there is a strong sense of Knock Out's grief throughout - sheened over by how he goes through the motions of work and life and redirects people with quips when they chane upon it and start to question, but the undercurrent is always there, and when it is opened, it really pours out. If I were to describe the experience in physical terms it feels like being repeatedly whumped in the chest with a rather big (soft but very capable of winding someone) bat.

Please disregard if this is a usual part of writing in this fandom, but I like the mechanical imagery you chose (the question burns like a scar in his processor and it will stand until Knock Out himself is molten metal and ash among many others).

Some running threads I noticed and liked:

Knock Out and Breakdown not talking about their relationship - the first time it's mentioned (An arrangement they’re both content with, Knock Out thinks—though he’s never asked, and he wouldn’t know how to begin) it's sweet - they're embarrassed to admit they're in a relationship and like it! - which makes it all the more painful when it comes back later (It occurs to Knock Out that they never discussed it. Like so much else. and He never asked. He supposes he will never know.)

Knock Out and Breakdown's relationship gradually coming to light - their love begins quietly -> during the war they cannot be public about it -> in the aftermath of the war Knock Out's coworkers and friends gradually pick up on how important Breakdown really was to him -> discover the true nature of their relationship -> eventually, Knock Out makes Breakdown's copper a part of himself for everyone to see (a very romantic gesture in itself, and I love how it also is a public relationship admission) and makes a public eulogy for him.

Knock Out still talking to Breakdown even though there is no one on the other side (“I love you,” he repeats, in a voice cold and hard as iron, “I love you—where the Pit have you gotten to?” The dead air is colder still than the wind. In the rustle of static Knock Out hears ghosts. and “You would’ve loved this, big guy,” he says into the dead air of Breakdown’s frequency.)

Some lines which struck me:

Breakdown loves Kaon’s sweltering heat and its barely-contained chaos; Knock Out likes Polyhex’s clean streets. Always they return to Iacon. They have no home, not really—but better the slagheap you know than the one you don’t.
I love the sense that even though they do not always have a physical location to call home, they are always with each other.

Knock Out thinks, deep in his kernel-level coding, that he and Breakdown will be together until the end of time—and perhaps afterward. It never occurs to him to question this.
This foreshadowing is very effective - my first time through this story I was not aware of what was coming and the second line already made my heart sink. On subsequent reads, knowing what was coming, I definitely felt a sense of 'oh nooooo', and I imagine it hits even harder for someone familiar with canon.

He thinks of information theory; he thinks of the silent decay of bits into radiant heat. He imagines Breakdown’s consciousness dissipating softly, sweetly into ambient noise. The background heat of the universe. Till all are one, indeed.
These are beautiful lines.

“That thing? Sixteen tons of iron and copper. Breakdown went where good Cons go. Wherever that is.” Something acid leaks into his voice. “Probably nowhere.”
This line struck me because it captures so many facets of grieving in one - the awareness that the physical remains do not contain anything of the person, the hope (stated as knowledge) that the person is in a better place, the wry addition of 'Probably nowhere'.



I hope this helps, and best of luck in your future writing! This was a beautiful story, 10/10 would cry over these characters again.