Concrit for witchorvegan

[witchorvegan]

I want to receive feedback by : Comments on this post, or, if you prefer, Dreamwidth PM (witchorvegan).

Here are the works I want feedback on:
real hurt to give this real worth (Loveless, Kio/Soubi, 1725 words, rated M)
failure boy (K Project, Reisi/Saruhiko, 3432 words, rated T)
distress → flow (Hypnosis Mic, Jakurai & Doppo, 2017 words, rated T)
don't hesitate, darlin' (Hypnosis Mic, Jakurai/Hifumi/Doppo, 2648 words, rated E)
Untitled Final Fantasy XV WIP (Final Fantasy XV, Prompto/Noctis, 1870 words, rated M)

Fandoms and content notes: All fics, including that WIP, have content notes at the links. Make sure to read the tags, too, for the fics hosted on AO3.

Feedback questions: I'm especially interested in feedback on character interactions and their relationship dynamics - whether they feel "real" and compelling, or whether they fall flat. For sex/kink scenes (especially the needleplay in the Loveless fic), I'd love to know if you can picture the scene well and keep track of where everyone is within it, and if there are unfamiliar kinks, whether they're described in a way that makes sense to you. Notes on characterization and overall canon accuracy are also very welcome, if you know the canon.

For the Final Fantasy XV WIP specifically, I'd love any and all input on the injury descriptions, and whether you think it needs more information on Noct's underlying condition.

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: I prefer straightforward feedback, whether it's positive or negative. Praise for specific aspects you liked is very welcome, but I have trouble picking out the actual concrit when people try to soften it with complements.

Spelling and grammar fixes aren't super useful for me, unless you notice a repeating problem that I should keep in mind for future fics - that's something I'd really appreciate you pointing out. The FFXV WIP is an exception here as I'm still writing it, though it is fairly polished (...I hope) and I definitely don't expect a full grammar edit.

Comments to this post will be: Unscreened.

Comments

[nonplussed]

Hello, here's concrit for the FFXV WIP!

First impressions of the character interactions is that they're fine. The light banter and easy back and forth works well for prompto and noctis. But the character voices/dynamics and banter would not have been enough to draw me into the fic (ie if I were not looking specifically for injury fic, I might stop reading this after the first few paragraphs), so in that sense they could have been more compelling. It doesn't feel 'off' enough to throw me out, but it does feel like the fic wants readers to be more compelled by the hurt/(possible upcoming)comfort situation itself than by having these specific characters in the situation, especially as most of the fic, as it currently stands, is descriptions of injury and action instead of being very steeped in either character's head/voice.

Some reasons why it might feel less compelling to me specifically (though this is subjective and may not apply for other readers)
1. They're both a little too blase/experienced-sounding about the fairly advanced kinky sex, for characters I think of as teenagers, and also compared to how I feel I've seen them talk about romance in canon (my impression is that the fic is set pre-canon). Even given the prior experience the fic implies they have, I think it might have been more believable as post-canon fic, or an AU where they're older and I can imagine many more years of experience between them, or if they seemed a little more nervous and inexperienced still
2. Their voices could be funnier. Because a lot of party banter is witty repartee, i do think of their interactions with each other as being humorous, so humour would make me more likely to find them 'real', especially if it's in the same style as their game banter
3. Not character-specific enough. If I swapped Noct out for Gladio, I think you could still keep basically all the dialogue. Prompto is slightly more specific, which is good! For example: "Aaaand there!" feels pretty Prompto-specific. "You're amazing." feels not quite like Noct.
3a. How much a narrative voice sounds like a character is partially a stylistic choice, but because certain phrases (like "One of the best places in the whole damn world.") makes it feel like the narrative voice is close third POV, directly coming from Noct's head, when the narrative voice doesn't sound like the POV character, it can affect how well I think a fic did a character's voice. So, in the narration, "conceptualize him as a sexual being" feels more like Ignis than Noct, for instance. "A Dom with a praise kink. Not what you'd expect, maybe, but it works" feels a tad more like author insert than any of the characters, especially in the context
4. YMMV on if this is a character interaction issue, but it's tagged 'brief Dom/sub scene', and Noct in the fic refers to Prompto as his Dom, yet the character dynamics don't feel dom/sub even briefly -- the fic itself has a scene of oral sex with Noct on his knees, and no actual domination or submission. But you could remove the tag and also any mentions of 'Dom' or 'subspace' and that would fix it too. As it is, it feels like...label-dropping, i guess? Or mistagging.

With regard to injury descriptions, I'm unfortunately not the best person to give this feedback, because I have a medical background and know exactly what a patella dislocation vs subluxation is, and also what EDS is, which I assume most readers won't. I will say that if you'd like this fic to be disability representation, you should keep the name EDS and just headcanon that Ehlers and Danlos both exist in Eos, because you've explained the context of Noct having a chronic illness that causes recurrent dislocations well enough in the rest of the narrative that readers shouldn't be confused even if they don't know EDS (as far as I can tell on a second close read). If you'd like EDS to be an excuse for Noct to regularly have joint subluxation/dislocations so that you can have a hurt/comfort fic, I'd rename it to something that explains it to the reader while still sounding 'clinical' eg "That was in your first aid training, right? Maladaptive Joint Syndrome for Dummies?"

[witchorvegan]

Thank you very much for the concrit! You've given me a lot to chew on, especially re: character voices and whether or not it really feels like them at all. (I've only recently bounced back into the fandom after a few years away, so I'm still finding my footing again.)

I'm a little confused about one thing you said, though, if you wouldn't mind clarifying? "They're both a little too blase/experienced-sounding about the fairly advanced kinky sex" - I'm honestly not sure what this refers to, because as you pointed out, not a whole lot actually happens before Noct's knee crashes the party, and certainly nothing I would consider to be Advanced Kink?

[nonplussed]

Hmm, so about the blase/experienced-sounding, for instance:

Now the couch has a rope harness, a web of loops and knots just waiting for someone to be tied into the middle. Or cuffed. Or chained. They have options, and most of a weekend to explore them.

"You're amazing." Noct can't keep a grin off his face as he joins Prompto by the couch; Prompto's blushing a little from the praise, and it's too damn cute. A Dom with a praise kink. Not what you'd expect, maybe, but it works. "So, where do you want me?"

"I want you naked, first of all." Noct's quick to oblige, stripping down without a thought for modesty or putting on a show.

When faced with this 'web of loops and knots', instead of feeling nervous, or a little overwhelmed, or worried if it's going to work, or even over-excited and perhaps clumsy with it, Noct seems to simply be pleased, smiling and stripping easily and smoothly and moving on with the scene. This reaction suggests a character that has seen at least similar sorts of extensive setups before, or has enough confidence in their own bodies and partners that things will be fine, which feels at odds with how I'd think of them as teenagers and probably also people who've never been to a dungeon in person before.

Or, another example: Prompto's voice pitches up to something that's trying very hard not to be a sob. He has to be crashing hard, dragged right out of his Dom headspace into whatever the hell this is. And that happens, sometimes, and it's fine—but it turns out fine because Noct can help him through it, calm him down.

This implies that Prompto has crashed multiple times before, and Noct has multiple times clearly identified that it's due to being dragged out of Dom headspace (as opposed to many other reasons that someone less experienced might consider if their partner freaks out in the middle of a scene while they themselves are subbing, eg is it their own fault, is their partner in pain, is it something else, etc), and he usually feels totally equipped and confident to handle it.

These sort of moments contribute to that vibe of experience/blase-ness? Does that help to explain it?

Also, feel free to ask if you want more clarification for this or anything else!