Concrit for witchorvegan

[witchorvegan]

I want to receive feedback by : Comments on this post, or, if you prefer, Dreamwidth PM (witchorvegan).

Here are the works I want feedback on:
real hurt to give this real worth (Loveless, Kio/Soubi, 1725 words, rated M)
failure boy (K Project, Reisi/Saruhiko, 3432 words, rated T)
distress → flow (Hypnosis Mic, Jakurai & Doppo, 2017 words, rated T)
don't hesitate, darlin' (Hypnosis Mic, Jakurai/Hifumi/Doppo, 2648 words, rated E)
Untitled Final Fantasy XV WIP (Final Fantasy XV, Prompto/Noctis, 1870 words, rated M)

Fandoms and content notes: All fics, including that WIP, have content notes at the links. Make sure to read the tags, too, for the fics hosted on AO3.

Feedback questions: I'm especially interested in feedback on character interactions and their relationship dynamics - whether they feel "real" and compelling, or whether they fall flat. For sex/kink scenes (especially the needleplay in the Loveless fic), I'd love to know if you can picture the scene well and keep track of where everyone is within it, and if there are unfamiliar kinks, whether they're described in a way that makes sense to you. Notes on characterization and overall canon accuracy are also very welcome, if you know the canon.

For the Final Fantasy XV WIP specifically, I'd love any and all input on the injury descriptions, and whether you think it needs more information on Noct's underlying condition.

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: I prefer straightforward feedback, whether it's positive or negative. Praise for specific aspects you liked is very welcome, but I have trouble picking out the actual concrit when people try to soften it with complements.

Spelling and grammar fixes aren't super useful for me, unless you notice a repeating problem that I should keep in mind for future fics - that's something I'd really appreciate you pointing out. The FFXV WIP is an exception here as I'm still writing it, though it is fairly polished (...I hope) and I definitely don't expect a full grammar edit.

Comments to this post will be: Unscreened.

Comments

[nonplussed]

Hello, here's concrit for the FFXV WIP!

First impressions of the character interactions is that they're fine. The light banter and easy back and forth works well for prompto and noctis. But the character voices/dynamics and banter would not have been enough to draw me into the fic (ie if I were not looking specifically for injury fic, I might stop reading this after the first few paragraphs), so in that sense they could have been more compelling. It doesn't feel 'off' enough to throw me out, but it does feel like the fic wants readers to be more compelled by the hurt/(possible upcoming)comfort situation itself than by having these specific characters in the situation, especially as most of the fic, as it currently stands, is descriptions of injury and action instead of being very steeped in either character's head/voice.

Some reasons why it might feel less compelling to me specifically (though this is subjective and may not apply for other readers)
1. They're both a little too blase/experienced-sounding about the fairly advanced kinky sex, for characters I think of as teenagers, and also compared to how I feel I've seen them talk about romance in canon (my impression is that the fic is set pre-canon). Even given the prior experience the fic implies they have, I think it might have been more believable as post-canon fic, or an AU where they're older and I can imagine many more years of experience between them, or if they seemed a little more nervous and inexperienced still
2. Their voices could be funnier. Because a lot of party banter is witty repartee, i do think of their interactions with each other as being humorous, so humour would make me more likely to find them 'real', especially if it's in the same style as their game banter
3. Not character-specific enough. If I swapped Noct out for Gladio, I think you could still keep basically all the dialogue. Prompto is slightly more specific, which is good! For example: "Aaaand there!" feels pretty Prompto-specific. "You're amazing." feels not quite like Noct.
3a. How much a narrative voice sounds like a character is partially a stylistic choice, but because certain phrases (like "One of the best places in the whole damn world.") makes it feel like the narrative voice is close third POV, directly coming from Noct's head, when the narrative voice doesn't sound like the POV character, it can affect how well I think a fic did a character's voice. So, in the narration, "conceptualize him as a sexual being" feels more like Ignis than Noct, for instance. "A Dom with a praise kink. Not what you'd expect, maybe, but it works" feels a tad more like author insert than any of the characters, especially in the context
4. YMMV on if this is a character interaction issue, but it's tagged 'brief Dom/sub scene', and Noct in the fic refers to Prompto as his Dom, yet the character dynamics don't feel dom/sub even briefly -- the fic itself has a scene of oral sex with Noct on his knees, and no actual domination or submission. But you could remove the tag and also any mentions of 'Dom' or 'subspace' and that would fix it too. As it is, it feels like...label-dropping, i guess? Or mistagging.

With regard to injury descriptions, I'm unfortunately not the best person to give this feedback, because I have a medical background and know exactly what a patella dislocation vs subluxation is, and also what EDS is, which I assume most readers won't. I will say that if you'd like this fic to be disability representation, you should keep the name EDS and just headcanon that Ehlers and Danlos both exist in Eos, because you've explained the context of Noct having a chronic illness that causes recurrent dislocations well enough in the rest of the narrative that readers shouldn't be confused even if they don't know EDS (as far as I can tell on a second close read). If you'd like EDS to be an excuse for Noct to regularly have joint subluxation/dislocations so that you can have a hurt/comfort fic, I'd rename it to something that explains it to the reader while still sounding 'clinical' eg "That was in your first aid training, right? Maladaptive Joint Syndrome for Dummies?"

[witchorvegan]

Thank you very much for the concrit! You've given me a lot to chew on, especially re: character voices and whether or not it really feels like them at all. (I've only recently bounced back into the fandom after a few years away, so I'm still finding my footing again.)

I'm a little confused about one thing you said, though, if you wouldn't mind clarifying? "They're both a little too blase/experienced-sounding about the fairly advanced kinky sex" - I'm honestly not sure what this refers to, because as you pointed out, not a whole lot actually happens before Noct's knee crashes the party, and certainly nothing I would consider to be Advanced Kink?

[nonplussed]

Hmm, so about the blase/experienced-sounding, for instance:

Now the couch has a rope harness, a web of loops and knots just waiting for someone to be tied into the middle. Or cuffed. Or chained. They have options, and most of a weekend to explore them.

"You're amazing." Noct can't keep a grin off his face as he joins Prompto by the couch; Prompto's blushing a little from the praise, and it's too damn cute. A Dom with a praise kink. Not what you'd expect, maybe, but it works. "So, where do you want me?"

"I want you naked, first of all." Noct's quick to oblige, stripping down without a thought for modesty or putting on a show.

When faced with this 'web of loops and knots', instead of feeling nervous, or a little overwhelmed, or worried if it's going to work, or even over-excited and perhaps clumsy with it, Noct seems to simply be pleased, smiling and stripping easily and smoothly and moving on with the scene. This reaction suggests a character that has seen at least similar sorts of extensive setups before, or has enough confidence in their own bodies and partners that things will be fine, which feels at odds with how I'd think of them as teenagers and probably also people who've never been to a dungeon in person before.

Or, another example: Prompto's voice pitches up to something that's trying very hard not to be a sob. He has to be crashing hard, dragged right out of his Dom headspace into whatever the hell this is. And that happens, sometimes, and it's fine—but it turns out fine because Noct can help him through it, calm him down.

This implies that Prompto has crashed multiple times before, and Noct has multiple times clearly identified that it's due to being dragged out of Dom headspace (as opposed to many other reasons that someone less experienced might consider if their partner freaks out in the middle of a scene while they themselves are subbing, eg is it their own fault, is their partner in pain, is it something else, etc), and he usually feels totally equipped and confident to handle it.

These sort of moments contribute to that vibe of experience/blase-ness? Does that help to explain it?

Also, feel free to ask if you want more clarification for this or anything else!

[luzula]

Hi, I'll just say straight up that I don't know your fandoms at all, so I can't speak to the characterization and canon consistency! Just to get the basics out of the way, your writing is good on the spelling/grammar level. I mostly found your style engaging; it's colloquial and often a bit chatty. One stylistic quirk, though: you often use the contraction "Name's" for "Name is", which occasionally made me pause and read again when I misread it as a possessive.

When posting on DW, I think you should separate your summary from the start of your fic by more than a paragraph break. In "Failure Boy" I couldn't quite figure out where the summary ended and the fic began.

Some notes on the untitled Final Fantasy XV WIP:

And Noct thinks he probably actually would, in the end—but he knows he wouldn't survive that conversation.
The "he" is ambiguous: I couldn't figure out until the end of the paragraph whether it was Noct or Ignis who wouldn't survive the conversation.

as Prompto screws around on his phone
Ha, I did a double-take here. I know nothing about the fandom, but going by the fandom name I'd expected it to be a fantasy world without modern technology...I guess not. Also later on you have references to horror movies and slasher films, which are very much things of our world, and there's nothing in the fic that wouldn't be there in our world...I suppose I that without the fandom name, I would never have known that this is set in a fantasy world. But I know nothing about the fandom conventions, so maybe this is normal in the fandom!

Six, he could eat Prompto out for hours
Six? I don't understand.

The trans stuff is interesting--if you hadn't put the note in that Prompto was trans, I might not have got it. I would probably have thought "how odd to use the phrase 'to eat someone out' on a man" and "huh, two quick orgasms in a row for a guy?" It would definitely have nagged in my head and I might have gotten it later on? If you mean these things as hints for the reader to figure out, it kind of ruins it when you explain it in the notes beforehand. : ) But maybe you wanted to state it upfront instead of it being something the reader figures out.

if Prompto didn't start actually, full-on crying from overstimulation after about twenty minutes
I guess this surprised me because it sounds like Noct was doing super-strong stimulation all the time, instead of varying the intensity and doing light stimulation or venturing away from the most sensitive parts when it was getting to be too much? Which I guess is what most people would do during sex if someone was overstimulated (if they didn't enjoy being overstimulated).

About the injury stuff: I have no idea what EDS is, so I would not have gotten the "EDS for Dummies" line. I guess either put that in the notes up top, or give it some name that is easier to understand? The injury itself I have no way of knowing how accurately it's described, but it worked for me!

Some notes on Failure Boy:
I was quite confused by the beginning of this fic, partly, as I said before, because it wasn't clear where the summary ended and the fic began. My first guess was that the italicized lines were flashbacks/memories of a previous conversation. Then that they were...telepathy? Then that they were texting, but now when I reread the opening I'm not sure why I was so confused. The PDA must obviously be some sort of communication device. I'm not sure what I assumed it to be on the first reading... Er, this is probably not that useful to you since to anyone who knows the fandom wouldn't be confused by that.

Every inch of him is screaming that something is wrong, that he’s not safe that he’s going to get hurt - a lifetime’s worth of self-defense mechanisms all firing at once, even though there’s nothing in the late-evening quiet of his room that could possibly pose any kind of threat; even though his desperate attempts at protecting himself never did shit even when there was something, or someone, coming for him.
The part after the semi-colon doesn't quite work for me: you're saying that he's helpless and can't protect himself, and wouldn't that just reinforce the fear reaction he's having in the first part of the sentence?

(He could always text Munakata. He probably should, even.
Except... he absolutely can’t.

The only thing worse than this… episode, whatever it is, would be wasting the captain’s time with it when he has so many important things to deal with.)
I don't know if the line break at "Except" is a mistake or not? The formatting is a bit strange. I would just have this whole bit as one paragraph without the parentheses.

Saruhiko always has a choice, and he can – has – shrug off the comfort and clarity Munakata offers him if he wants to wallow in his own misery.
This doesn't work, since it's "can shrug", but "has shrugged".

He doesn’t know how to apologize to his boyfriend for stressing him out, but he knows how to apologize to his boss for being unproductive, and that’s close enough, right?
Oof. I had no idea they were in a relationship until this point (I guess I skimmed over the pairing note)! It's very distancing to refer to your boyfriend as "the captain" even if that's also what he is, and in the quote, he's relating to his boyfriend as a boss because he can't communicate in any other way. Reading this canon-blind, I have to wonder about this relationship. It reads to me like Munakata is a superior officer/boss, who has strong magic powers, and is in good mental health. While Saruhiko is his inferior within the organization, presumably has less magic power, and is not in good mental health.

Just to be clear, I don't mean that you shouldn't have a relationship like that! I'm just wondering how they handle those power imbalances, and whether their relationship is actually a healthy one or not. It sounds like one that would be difficult to navigate, for sure. Saruhiko says: "their relationship solid and stable and real", which sounds like it's meant to convey that it is a healthy relationship? Of course, Saruhiko also might not exactly be a reliable narrator. In any case, this will all probably make a lot more sense to someone who knows the fandom.

[morbane]

Hello! I hope the following thoughts on real hurt to give this real worth are of interest.


I'm getting a lot of interesting clues about the characters' dynamics immediately. Kio's opening dialogue covers topics I'd expect to have already have been covered - especially since you tagged this as a consensual scene. So it feels very much about what Kio needs to say rather than what Soubi needs to hear, and But he thinks that, maybe, he can give Soubi something he wants without being cruel reinforces that: my guess is that Soubi is a lot more okay with cruelty than Kio is, or that Kio is uncomfortable with a level of cruelty Soubi accepts. And that idea of what he wants to give Soubi - while the reader is still figuring out exactly what that is - sets up a lot of tension that you maintain throughout.

But only for a moment.
“I want you to dominate me.” - I really like the pacing there. A beat of uncertainty then resolution.

closing his eyes to drink it in, nuzzling into Kio’s hand when it shifts to cup his cheek. Gentle, needy. Submissive, but not like how he submitted to Seimei. There’s something hopeful there, something Kio desperately wants to draw out and nurture. - and here again what I'm noticing is the ratio of actions and visible signs to the amount of interpretation Kio puts on them. Kio could be completely right! But he's putting a lot of weight on what feels like not a lot of indicators, and as a reader I don't quite trust his impressions yet.

so close his lips write the words against Kio’s skin - very pretty

and the last lingering doubts - the nagging worries that something soft and sweet isn’t really what Soubi wants at all - melt away. - efficient delivery of information, seeding more doubts in the reader's mind even as you take us through the progression of Kio's thoughts. Happy also seems like a lofty goal.

Judging by the sigh that escapes Soubi’s lips, brushes over Kio’s wrist, Soubi isn’t too keen on moving. - I like this a lot: I feel like we don't have enough context to interpret this as "Soubi is comfortable where he was, or being pushed usefully out of his comfort zone" or "this is a slightly discordant note where their desires are still compatible but not completely in synch", and the very mild, low-stakes ambiguity is very useful.

Soubi’s in the wrong bed if he wants the super-serious kind of Dom. Kio always gets the giggles when he tries to pull that off. - This is such a novelty for me! I'm charmed.

The description of the kink mostly made sense to me. I am not remotely familiar with needleplay, so although I had a guess about what was meant by hubs, I had to google to confirm.

I was surprised by how quickly you progress through the part of the fic that involves placing the needles. It's easy to imagine they'd discussed some of this before the scene starts, like 'I'm going to put needles in your thighs, it's a safe place to start,' but the transition from Kio saying gentle things & wishing he could say more gentle things, to literally sticking needles in Soubi with no further words - that took me slightly aback. Again, I am not an informed reader of this kind of kink, but for whatever reason I would have expected something like Kio talking through placing the first needle, saying that he was going to place the second, something like that? Or at least a verbal transition to placing the first needle.

The relaxes into the bright spark of pain description matches a lot of my transitions-in-a-kink-scene expectations, because you're showing us a Kio who's very much checking in with Soubi's reaction. But as I'm trying to visualize everything through the first five needles, it's all very quiet. There also seems potential scope to talk a little more about the artistry Kio mentioned being so proud of, in his placement and the patterns he's making, that sort of thing. Like, this is great:

The little moans and sighs Soubi offers him as he continues are all the sweeter for how stoic Soubi usually is, and Kio seeks out more of them, gently tapping on the needles’ hubs so they shift under Soubi’s skin.


- I like the ongoing thread of Soubi reacting, I like the specific description of tapping on the needles, I like the sense that Kio is satisfied and immersed in what he's doing - but I'm expecting a little more like this? Partly for the purpose of luxuriating in the kink, and partly so that there's a harder crash when we get to the stark indications that actually all is NOT well.

As gruesome as Soubi’s scars are they’re just that

-I would expect a comma after "are" - those six words set up a context for the following words, and "they're" starts a new clause

He’s in such a vulnerable position, relying on Kio, trusting him, and Kio can’t even begin to figure out how to help. - This is a bit picky but, to me, the complex grammar of "Kio can’t even begin to figure out how to help" amd the reflection "it's a horrible feeling" are indications that Kio has skipped a step in horrified reaction and has gone too quickly to analysing his own thoughts. I don't know how clearly I'm putting this, but it feels a little too clear/distant/logical to me, along with the immediate alarm you're also telling us he's feeling.

“By the way, if you hurt me, I’m going to spontaneously start bleeding” - another very minor niggle but I think italics would be a clearer formatting aide - I got halfway through the section in quotes before figuring out this was Kio representing hypothetical dialogue rather than Soubi speaking. The reader's going to figure out what's what pretty quickly, but any time you can avoid making them backtrack, I think that's good.

Not that anything about this situation is reasonable! - That feels like a nice echo of the excited-to-show-off-needles Kio of earlier - obviously, in a different mood, but it feels like a callback to that speech cadence.

Usually it would - I probably shouldn't allow myself so many minor niggles in a row, but although your meaning is pretty clear, I would personally say "It should be a triumph" instead. You implied this is the first time they're doing this and he hasn't had a chance before, so "usually" only works if the reader fills in some extra caveats.

bats Kio’s hand away when he tries to start putting bandages on the needle wounds - I like how this works in the previous context of the kind of affection he so often rebukes - because you gave us that, it's easy to see what's happening now.

Kio pulls a blanket around Soubi’s shoulders, and pushes a bottle of water into his hands. - and there's a sense there that's he's performing aftercare for Seimei's scenes, not his own. Nice.

But, Kio thinks, Soubi’s not the one who should be sorry. - and that feels misplaced, but it also makes emotional sense to me: Kio's overtures and his expected actions in providing aftercare for his planned scene have been rejected, and his role of being responsible for Soubi's experience has come to an abrupt stop, so of course he's looking for something else to be responsible for. And he was predisposed to take that attitude anyway.

So yeah, I enjoyed that. Soubi is not particularly communicative, but you still convey the sense of complex emotions carrying on under his surface. There's a very palpable tension throughout. I personally would have liked to spend more time in the section where the kink was briefly going well - partly because if you're going to write in a particular kink, why not? and partly to make it worse when everything goes to hell - but I don't know if that suits exactly what you were aiming for.

Also, I really like the title. Nice themes threatening that someone may have zero worth without suffering... or that suffering may provide necessary identity...

[witchorvegan]

Ha, you caught me - I wasn't super comfortable writing the needleplay, just from unfamiliarity, and it does show. I'm realizing now as I reread your comments that this is actually a problem that comes up a lot in my writing, and I want to be more conscious of that. A shallow take on the perfect idea isn't necessarily better than a deeper dive into something a little less thematically appropriate.

Thank you! ♥