Concrit for Enisy

[enisy]

I want to receive feedback by: Comment on this post or comment on AO3.

Here are the works I want feedback on: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enisy Anything from 2020/2021 except: Blowing Smoke Rings in the Second Circle; But It’s the Perfect Place to Start, My Love; Makeover Day; Pretty Girls Keep One Foot on the Floor; Rider, Rider. Here is a view with old and "safe" works excluded.

I would especially appreciate feedback on any of the following:

• Everyone Speaks Standard Here (Star Trek: DS9, 1.8K)
• Neptune in the Rhine (Ace Attorney, 5.5K)
• Motion/Stasis (Ace Attorney, rated Explicit, adopted sibling incest, 2.8K)
• Sorry I Could Not Travel Both (OW, rated Explicit, noncon, 3.4K)
• Then They Went to the Valley Below (OW, rated Explicit, noncon, 3K)
• Predilection (OW, rated Explicit, 2.2K)
• Credo (Mass Effect Original Trilogy, 1.8K)

My works' fandoms and content notes are: Available on AO3.

I have these questions for readers: What is your general impression? What could be improved? Is the prose too flowery at any point? Does the ending land properly?

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: Direct is fine, as long as you don't only list negatives.

Comments to this post will be: Unscreened.

Comments

[ember_keelty]

I have left concrit on Neptune in the Rhine!

[enisy]

Well received! I replied on AO3. 💞

[annabelleveal]

Hello! I am providing concrit on Then They Went to the Valley Below

I really enjoyed this story and found it very engaging and well-written. I think the level of description was good throughout (didn’t notice anything too flowery), and the story and characters are compelling. More detailed comments are below--hopefully they are helpful!

“Tall, dark & handsome, Neil wrote in cursive unreadable to anyone but himself.

There was a question mark next to the ‘handsome.’ The man’s features were too strange, perhaps, to earn that appellative: his cheekbones jutted out – his jawbones, too – and his hair was graying even though he was only thirty-four.”

I really like this opening. It’s a clever, non-clunky way to work in some character description right off the bat. The description in general in this first section works well and provides a good sense of setting.

Tacky flower beds, tacky statues, tacky benches, tacky topiary: Brahm was just about the only authentic thing in this garden.

I like the idea of this contrast, but I’d prefer it to be a little clearer why Neil finds Brahm authentic. So far with what has been described about him, I’m not sure where that perception is coming from.

It reminded him of Central Park in New York City, where he owned an apartment.

This is a minor (and US-centric) quibble, but this detail pulled me out of the story as I stopped to wonder how Neil has managed to afford to buy an apartment in NYC.

After a pregnant pause, and against his better judgment, he responded: “Neil is fine.”

This little hint that Neil is already starting to get too close is great.

A week became a month.
(What was he looking for?)
A month and a half.
Two months.

I like the punchiness of part ii, but I had trouble parsing if it is providing an overview of Neil’s time with the Chain, and then the subsequent parts are snapshots filling in that time, or if all sections follow chronologically. I suspect it is the former, in which case I think including just a couple time markers in later sections would help make this clearer for the reader. If this section is in fact passing in “real-time” (i.e., part iii follows directly from this part in time), then I think it falls a little flat because Neil’s thoughts/actions during this section are so obscured.

“It’s like a tarot reading,” he said. “The Chain doesn’t mean anything by itself. You find your own meaning in it. And the best part is, you don’t even need to believe in it. Don’t make that face! Just listen! Some people have unconditional faith in the Chain, but you and I, Neil, well, we only need to believe in it insofar as we believe in our therapist. We’ll get something out of it, either way.”

“So you say you don’t buy your own bullshit,” said Neil.

Snottily: “I say I’m not selling.”

I love this exchange and I think this part works very well both to flesh out our understanding of the Chain and also to establish more about Brahm’s perspective (or at least what he presents that to be). I like that we can see how he is already trying to connect himself to Neil (and to position them as special compared to the others). This is a subjective thing, but I think the last line would work better without the ‘snottily,’ the way you have it in the summary.

The pair of them hung out a fair bit, after that.

Something about the casualness of language of ‘hung out a fair bit’ doesn’t work for me here. It’s a little too passive. I think this could be a place to establish more about how Neil and Brahm are connecting at this point. Are they hanging out more because Brahm is seeking Neil out? Is Neil trailing along after Brahm, ostensibly for the interview, but also starting to feel more drawn to him? Something to make this sentence do more for you narratively or character development-wise. This is also a section where I think I would like to be more anchored in time (how long has Neil been there?).

Neil stared at the birds for a long time, waiting until the last of them vanished from sight. Then he turned toward Brahm. The man had not paused in his speech, nor made any reference to the omen – as if it were only natural his sermons should call forth biblical swarms. He met Neil’s gaze placidly, where he was standing in the front row. Met it in a crowd of thousands, and his eyes were soft and mysterious and almost black with desire.

Neil felt like a demigod. Like he’d been bitten by something potent, something radioactive.

I really liked the description in this section and this moment in particular. It's very effective at demonstrating Brahm’s sway and how Neil is definitely not unaffected.

That being said, by section vii I’m not a hundred percent sold on Neil joining the chain. I think I’d like to see a few more moments like in part vi that show him being increasingly drawn in. Or more touches like the mention in section iii about his friend dying recently and being somewhat isolated to help to show why he might be susceptible to Brahm. The basis is definitely there and is very deftly woven into the story, I’d just like maybe one or two more moments that show us why Neil is now willing to join. Similarly with the mention of all the cult’s misdoings, I'd like to see a few more hints of those scattered throughout the story.

At this point I’m also starting to wonder if anyone has noticed that Neil has been gone for longer than planned. Does he have an editor somewhere waiting for this story? Maybe he does and he doesn’t care because he's getting sucked into a cult, but some acknowledgement in the narration might help to establish that.

In general throughout these middle sections, I think the story would be strengthened by further developing the narrative tension between Neil thinking he is doing this all for the scoop, and we as the reader seeing that he's actually getting drawn in. Establishing that push-pull contrast leading up to the initiation would make Neil’s ultimate acquiescence even more powerful.

It was your regular off-the-shelf, benevolent-cult-leader BS, but he hadn’t expected it from Brahm. Alarmed, Neil tried to slip through the throng of followers, but two of them shoved him forward again. A sudden chill permeated his body. His tongue felt several sizes too big for his mouth, but he forced it to move.

The slow-dawning realization and creeping horror in section viii is really well conveyed.

At some point, it occurred to him that the arms holding him down had receded: the only thing keeping him there was his own will, or lack thereof.

This is a great line and super effective in how it refers to both his immediate situation and his staying with the Chain more generally.

The casualness of Brahm's commentary during the initiation is very jarring (in a good way!). It really drives home that even with all his Great Leader persona and special ritual talk, he indeed does not buy his own bullshit and is just getting off on this in a pretty pedestrian way.

It was over: there was no life for him outside the Chain now. This blackmail material could unilaterally sink anyone’s career.

The blackmail element didn't totally work for me because I had a hard time believing that this video alone would be career-ending when it seems pretty clearly non-consensual. Brahm’s comment about not being camera-shy implies that there are other (potentially more incriminating?) videos as alluded to in section v, so it’s not clear to me why this is the nail in the coffin for blackmail.

I loved the final section and I think the ending works very well. It lands with a good punch and I like the way you tied the hummingbirds back in.

[enisy]

Thank you so much! 🥰 I agree that my character motivations could be more clearly indicated, and that some scenes are not well grounded in time. It's something I've heard from beta readers about other stories, so it's definitely a tendency I should try to keep in check. And thank you for pointing out specific passages that didn't work for you, and how you think they could be improved - you've given me a lot of food for thought! Much appreciated!