Concrit for sadisticsparkle

[sadisticsparkle]

I want to receive feedback by : comments on this post or where the work is posted

Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...):

https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadisticsparkle/works

no safe works!

My works' fandoms and content notes are: Marvel (Steve/Tony), for the most part no warnings apply. However, a lot of my Explicit fic is dubcon or CNTW.

I have these questions for readers:

I welcome anything but I have some more specific questions:

- Is the sentences structure samey/repetitive?
- Are there any moments where the story makes a jump you don't quite follow? I've always had an issue with assuming the reader is in my head and not explaining things enough.
- How do the endings work? Are they too sudden?
- How is the paratext working: titles, summaries, tags?

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: I don't mind getting blunt feedback, but I do prefer it if there's also some praise alongside it.

Comments to this post will be: screened until May 15

Comments

[misspinkman]

Hello! I left feedback on Across a Crowded Room, You Better Check Yourself, and I Ask If You're Still There!

[sadisticsparkle]

Oh, wow, thanks! It's been a week so I haven't had the time to read your comments yet, but I really look forward to it. :)

[plutonianshores]

I picked Fall backwards, I’ll fuck you to review. You asked how the paratext was – I was immediately drawn to your summary and title, and they did a great job of conveying the tone of the fic. As did the tags! So you’re doing great on that front.

This isn’t a Marvel canon I’ve seen, so while I know Steve and Tony from other canons, I can’t speak to characterization here. But I love the way you’ve written Tony’s narrative voice. The fic grabbed me from the first sentence, and I could really hear Tony’s voice throughout the narration. I love close third narration with a strong voice, and you’re doing it very well. (I also loved Tony trying to distract himself by going through the periodic table!)

The sex itself was also wonderful. The descriptions were very vivid and immediate, and I loved your use of sentence fragments at the tail end of the gangbang. The way you interspersed short and vivid actions and imagery with Tony’s attempted periodic table distraction was absolutely perfect for the fic. It can be hard to keep gangbangs from getting samey, and you definitely avoided that stumbling block here.

Throughout the fic, you use a lot of ellipses. This was especially noticeable during Steve and Tony’s conversation at the end of the fic. They get repetitive, and I think you could do with cutting them down by a lot. I also have a habit of using way too many ellipses in my fics – they’re best used sparingly, in my opinion! Your use of em-dashes also got a little bit much, and there were some punctuation errors around them.

You asked about endings – I thought the fic’s ending was wonderful. You didn’t hang around too long after Steve and Tony’s orgasms, but you didn’t need to in this case. It was a very satisfying wrap-up to a great fic.

[sadisticsparkle]

Hi! Sorry for the very late reply. :) Thank you so much for this.

Good to know the paratext worked. I'm always very anxious about my summaries. Sometimes I worry my Tony(s) voices are too much, so good to know that worked too!

It can be hard to keep gangbangs from getting samey, and you definitely avoided that stumbling block here.

I love fandom and how this can be very thoughtful feedback.

I'll keep that about ellipses and em-dashes in mind, because on re-reading, yeah, it's too much.

[vandoorne]

I'm not entirely familiar with the versions of Steve and Tony from the canons that you've mentioned, and I'm mostly familiar with them from the MCU.

Sentence Structure:

I don't think your sentence structure is repetitive throughout your fics, but I think that there's a certain style that you use for different types of fic. For example, in fics that lean more towards crack/humour, the narrative voice is stronger for me. It's as if there's a clear narrator (as in, like there's a Specific Person who is the narrator of the story like there would be in a cartoon) and then there's what's going on in the story. In your explicit works, there's a focus on both the feelings of the characters, both internal (misery, feeling hurt etc.) and external (the physicality of things, physical sensation) and it's direct and to the point without dragging out unnecessarily. I think you tell more than you show in your shorter works, especially in your ficlets, but I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing — the way you construct your fics shows an economy of words that conveys what it needs to.

Two kids in search of a better author
I think the summary, title and tags worked for this — it did tell me what I wanted to know about the fic before reading, and given the breaking of the fourth wall in the fic, I think the title worked well.

I liked the repetition used in the fic that brought home how there was a time loop, and how things were not changing — the beginning of each morning, over and over, and your narrative voice made this seem like it was an episode in a cartoon. The directness in the fic worked for me, and the strong narrative voice meant that when the fourth wall was directly broken with Steve addressing the author, it did not come as a jump that did not make sense. From Steve's conversation with the author, I thought the logical conclusion that he arrived at for him to realise his feelings for Tony made sense.

However, the jump between Steve realising that he has to be honest with Tony to the author saying that Stark men are made of iron was a little hard to understand for me. I felt like I was missing something in the middle as to why the author would say such a thing. I get the part that follows about the narrator needing the points and its relation to the SteveTony Games, but (feel free to ignore these suggestions if it doesn't work for you) perhaps linking back to some of the things that had happened earlier in the fic (like Tony thanking Steve for catching him, and Steve saying that he'll always catch him and the blush that followed which could help with the realisation that Steve is in love) could have been made the realisation and admission seem more organic and less of 'the author prodding Steve to get there', unless that was your intention.

Overall, I thought the ending worked (with the beginning of the day similar, but not quite, to what had happened at the start to show how the time loop had ended) and that it closed the fic well. It wasn't too abrupt, and the way you chose to narrate the ending suited the style that you went with in the fic.

Gimme a Taste of Your Popsicle (You Know, as Friends)
The summary, title and tags worked for me, and I think the title really drove home just what the fic was about. I felt that this was in a similar vein as Two kids in search of a better author in terms of the stylistic choices you made in your writing. I think the plot flowed logically throughout, and it did make clear just how Steve and Tony were probably actually dating, but just ridiculously oblivious to it all.

A few minor issues for me in this fic was that at some points in the fic, with all the dialogue, sometimes it was unclear as to who was saying what. I'm not sure if it's a stylistic choice (for example at the ending scene, where Steve and Tony were completing each other's sentences and that did create the effect of them possibly being united as one entity), but I was a little confused when there was more than one person participating in the conversation, such as when it was Clint, Steve and Tony talking about the popsicles.

In the entire fic, Steve is referred to as Steve throughout, except for in the last scene, where he's referred to as Cap instead from the point when Clint calls him 'Cap'. I thought that was quite jarring, given how it had always been Steve up to that point. It felt like something might have changed in the dynamic between Steve and Clint, but it didn't seem that way from their interaction.

I liked the running gag throughout the fic about Thor and Hulk, and I like the idea that apart from Steve and Tony, there's also another couple who's going to be happy about the lifting of the no fraternisation rule!

Fall backwards, I'll fuck you
I thought the summary and tags worked for me, but title didn't work as well here. I thought it might have something to do with trust and communication in the fic due to the idea of falling backwards, and I did get that Tony did want Steve, but it didn't connect so well for me as to what the fic was about (mutual pining and misunderstanding leading to eventual getting together). I thought the summary worked because while the fic was hot and spicy in itself, it was in a lighter tone that eventually led to the mutually pining couple getting together.

I liked the opening of the fic — the opening paragraph does a lot to situate the reader into the action, and as a reader I can imagine what Tony is sensing, from smell to sound to sensation. I liked how you explained the buildup, of how Tony got from point A to point B and now being in the middle of having arranged a gangbang for Steve, and the part about the fifteen airtight NDAs each made me chuckle. It was a good mix of hot and funny for me, and I liked the directness in this fic about what Steve was doing, what was being done to Steve, and all of Tony's emotions.

I think the way you presented Tony's inner conflict was effective, and you brought across his struggle clearly. There's a thread throughout your Steve and Tony fics that I've read, where they're both definitely there for one another, and I think it really shines through in your writing.

For this fic, I felt that the build up to the ending was a little rushed. I got the jump to Steve worrying about Tony's enjoyment, but I felt that there could have been an explanation as to why Steve would arrive at the conclusion that Tony would possibly like watching him get fucked over and over by other men. I did think that Tony would show Steve his arousal from having watched him, but having Tony suddenly take his cock out felt like I missed something in between that led to him jerking himself off in front of Steve.

Tony then felt bold enough to kiss him. And because Steve was too good and Tony was too lucky, Steve kissed back. The kiss tasted of somebody else's cum and that pushed Tony over the edge.
This part didn't really work for me. It felt like it was in a similar style as the two fics I mentioned above, but it seemed out of place in this fic despite its light tone. There was a more showing rather than telling in the build up of this scene, and this seemed like an abrupt switch. I was a little confused by what you meant in this line 'And because Steve was too good and Tony was too lucky, Steve kissed back.' Was Steve's kiss too good? Did Tony feel like Steve was too good for him?

I thought the final lines of dialogue was good closure for the fic though, where everything is finally cleared up and they do get together after the misunderstanding has been cleared up!

You Look So Much Better When I Punch You
I think the title, summary and tags work well for this fic. The title works well for me, I expected lust, a desire to hurt and satisfaction at having hurt someone from it, and it did come through in the fic. There's a sharpness in your writing in this fic as compared to the previous fics, and I like the deliberate choice of using Rogers instead of Steve in that puts a distance between the two of them. Your fic cuts straight to the point here, and it's a lot of action and reaction, coming in quick and fast, which is exactly what is going on in this scene.

A couple of things I spotted, and some suggestions (feel free to ignore if it doesn't work for you):
- 'Tony doesn't know why he's agreed to spar with Rogers.' Tony doesn't know why he'd agreed to spar with Rogers (he had agreed to it in the past and thus this led to what they were doing?)
- 'Yes, he's more in shape than most men his age.' I got what you meant here, but it read a little awkward to me: maybe 'Yes, he's in better shape compared to most men his age'?
- 'He should've said no because it's not only the stark difference in combat ability.' He should've said no because it isn't just about the stark difference in combat ability (there's more than just this, right? As you mention in the next part of the paragraph about how wound up Steve is)

I think it's okay to keep using Rogers for Steve throughout the fic, and use Captain when Tony is clearly addressing him like this in the capacity of them being colleagues and this is just work. The use of 'the man' and 'the guy' in the fic to refer to Steve threw me off at certain points.

- 'Tony didn't expect this, none of this, but he especially didn't expect Rogers hands on top of Tony's shoulders and Rogers coming all over Tony's pants.' Tony didn't expect this, none of this, but he especially didn't expect Rogers' hands on top of his shoulders (or is Steve gripping his shoulders or clutching at it? This was unclear for me).

I liked the way the fic ended, especially with the ending line. It hints at Tony wanting more than just this, that this wasn't enough for him, and it burns.